It’s getting harder and harder for me to write these days. Most of the time I’m not sure what to write about, but when I do have something to write it’s depressing so I don’t write it. I don’t enjoy asking for help, or even letting people know I’m struggling. I’d much rather just deal with it myself and not bother anyone with my issues. This is something that drives the Man-Friend crazy. He has an overwhelming desire to take care of me. I’m far too independent for that, but I’m working on it. Opening up to and relying on someone other than myself is surprisingly difficult for me; I’m sure it is for many other people as well.
I am an older sister, and took it upon myself years ago to take care of my younger brother and step-sister. I’m not sure why. Our parents were there for us. This isn’t something I did consciously, but it’s stuck around. It’s quickly becoming inconvenient and annoying, though, because it limits my desire, and possibly my ability, to ask for help when I need it. The Man-Friend (I’ll find a better “call-sign” for him at some point) says I have a martyr complex-I believe I’ve mentioned this before-, and he’s completely right. (I’m not sure if I’ll ever verbally admit that to him, though. He reads my blog, so that’s good enough, right?) I’d much rather make continuous sacrifices and undercut myself so someone else can have more. Now that I’ve been called out-*ahem* a few times-I’m doing my best to open up and share the burden, with the Man-Friend and a counselor, at least.
It’s also kind of strange to me to be telling a stranger my issues…but talking about it on the internet is somehow not? I don’t know, I’m weird. It’s also a little different to be a semi-unknown person on the internet talking to a sea of grey faces and other semi-unknown people. The moment it becomes personal it gets awkward, because people that are close to you have the ability to use it against you or judge you. Granted, the majority of the people you’re close to won’t try to do anything negative with the information you give them, but the fact that they can is enough to stop you from telling those close to you. You don’t have to talk to someone that’s close to you if you don’t want, but you should talk to someone if you’re struggling.